The Reluctant Partner Who Refuses to Attend Couples Therapy

In my work with couples, I consistently encounter “the one partner” who feels hesitant to attend therapy. It’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to want to pursue couples therapy while the other remains reluctant. I often hear comments when couples arrive in my office where one person felt “forced” into therapy, were given an ultimatum, or are only there simply because of their partner’s insistence. It becomes clear that the decision to come to therapy wasn’t fully their own.

I often get asked, "How do you get someone to come to therapy if they don’t want to?" It’s can be a complicated situation, and ultimately, each person needs to feel that they have autonomy in the relationship, including whether to seek support or not.

There’s no "right" way to navigate this dilemma, especially when tensions are high and emotions might be intense. The last thing anyone wants is to feel like they need to convince their partner to attend therapy, when life is already feeling challenging. We can begin to think, “both people should want to fight for this relationship!” and fall into the mindset that, “I shouldn’t have to fight for this myself.” It then becomes very easy to fall into negative thinking, like, “They clearly don’t care about me,” or “This relationship obviously isn’t important to them”... which we then take a step farther and deduce, “I am clearly not important to them”. And once we get to that point, we can feel helpless and hopeless and start telling ourselves, “They’re not willing to try, so why should I?” That’s when we begin to see frustration and resentment settle in. Whew. No wonder that it feels easier to just give up.

As a couples therapist in the Annapolis Valley, I aim to support both individuals in therapy in a way that feels safe, mutually beneficial, and ultimately hopeful. However, until they walk into my office, I unfortunately can’t do much to convince couples to see me.

I am not a therapist who gives “tips and tricks” for quick fixes. However, here are some aspects to consider as you attempt to navigate conversations with your partner about gaining some support to improve your relationship.

1. Approach with Genuine Curiosity

Try approaching your partner with genuine curiosity. Ask about their hesitations surrounding therapy, and truly listen to their feelings. Are their concerns something that can be overcome? Showing empathy and understanding can help them feel seen and heard, which can open the door to a more productive conversation.

2. Frame It as "Being on the Same Team"

Reassure your partner that therapy is about working together, not about blame or teaming up against one another with the therapist. Emphasize that the relationship itself is the "client" in therapy, not either partner individually. This perspective can help them feel less defensive and more open to the idea of collaborating which ultimately creates a bit more safety.

3. Extend an Invitation, Not a Demand

Make sure the conversation about therapy feels like an invitation rather than a demand. Frame it in a way that gives your partner a sense of choice. Share your hopes and vision for the future of your relationship and how therapy could help you both achieve that. Let them know that it’s not about forcing them into something they’re not ready for, but about growing together. Can you paint a picture of hope and positive change that would feel beneficial and positive for both of you?

4. Invite Them into the Process

Ask if they would be open to helping find the right therapist. Having a role in the selection process can give them some agency in the situation and a voice, starting from the very beginning. If they express concern around a certain therapist you find, maybe they would feel more at ease leading the initiative in finding someone they feel will be a good fit for both of you.

5. Express Your Personal Impact

Share with your partner how important it is for you to work through these challenges together. Explain how much their engagement in therapy would mean to you and the relationship. Express your genuine desire for their involvement, not as a means of "fixing" them or making them change but as a way to strengthen your connection and improve your relationship dynamics. Again, you’re on the same team.

6. Compromise with One Session

If your partner remains resistant, see if there’s room for compromise. Perhaps they’d agree to try just one session, with no expectation of a long-term commitment. Often, fear of feeling blamed or accused can make therapy seem daunting. Assure them that a therapist’s role is to prioritize emotional safety for both of you. A single session might help alleviate some of their fears or skepticism and build trust in the process.

Ultimately, the goal isn’t to force or convince your partner to attend therapy, but to create an open, understanding space where they feel safe enough to consider it. By approaching the conversation with curiosity, empathy, and a focus on teamwork, you can help them see therapy not as a threat, but as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship together and improve the dynamics day to day. If they're willing to try: Book a free consultation with me. I'm happy to answer questions and find out what will work best for both of you.

Book a Consultation